Rus News Journal

Jokes in especially large sizes

$1 mlrd were lost on peak of the career of Dzherald Ratner, by director Ratners Group, in due time the most successful British jeweller company. It has lost this money, having joked few times during an invited supper, - has chosen for the jokes not that time and not that place. For precipitately slipped out sharpness the famous politician lord Birkenhed has largely paid also - has not shown due respect for rich friends. TV programs based on draw, - from - for inadequate perceptions spectators often financially suffer. To be kept from a joke at times extremely difficultly, but manage such exercises can extremely expensively - sense of humour at all a miscellaneous.

not Taken place successors
German poet Henry Heine as - that has told what to make jokes and borrow money it is necessary suddenly. The more unexpectedly and more safely the joke, the is more at it than chances to appear ridiculous. Naturally, that above probability of that it will touch somebody. But if was going to joke, the thought on consequences not always comes in time. Inhabitants of the Arabian countries in this respect have a saying: to keep in a mouth a red piece of coal, than the witty remark easier.

in 1873 the New Zealand newspaper The Star has published history about one local dealer who has grown rich, by the way, on sale of coal. When the dealer has grown old, work has bothered it, and it has moved to the magnificent house easy to live there with the family. Its passion to coal, truth, has not ceased, and every day it retired to the room where the collection of samples of rocks was stored. Only there he could feel happy, with house he addressed without any piety, without ceasing to remind them who feeds them. To the nephew Henry the dealer has provided good formation and considered it as the sufficient basis regularly to exasperate with its silly commissions.

once in the morning, walking with the nephew in a garden, the dealer has told to it: Henry, you at us the scientist, think up - ka to me the motto - an inscription which I could place on a wall of our private residence . The boy has answered: As about a phrase Such is success of industrialists ? Its uncle was delighted - he was proud of that has independently reached present riches. and now write me it in Latin - the dealer was not appeased. Henry to whom to chertikov similar requests have bothered, has decided to play the old man and, taking a pencil in hands, has accurately deduced on a leaf: Otium sine gravitat that means Rest without advantage . Next day the dealer has gone with the order to the artist who understood Latin as much, how many he. When the inscription on the house was ready, the owner of an estate suited the big supper during which time bragged to visitors of the motto. Visitors too did not understand in Latin words, and he needed to admire only. Only one of pupils of the seminary which were nearby, has dared to notice that he never such on a wall would write. When truth has revealed, the industrialist as the newspaper wrote, it has appeared so it is amazed by an ingratitude and malice of the nephew that has there and then run to itself in a bedroom, has broken off the will, in which Henry it was taken away £ 5 thousand (now it would be equivalent several hundreds thousand pounds sterling. - money ), then has laid down on a bed and in the same night has died .

Children`s tomfooleries as the history shows, can manage expensively, especially if it is a question of the child of blue blood. It is known, for example, that the head of the United Kingdom king Edward VII in the childhood very much liked to entertain itself and surrounding with unpredictable tricks. (Before accession to the throne it as it is got, was the prince Welsh, thus almost all named its first name - Albert.) Once he has decided to play one countess approached to a court yard. Many disliked it for heavy customs and the venomous relation to associates so even servants tried not to catch sight to it once again. Having learnt that the countess looks for to itself the footman, prince Albert - Edward has changed clothes and has gone to it to be employed . When it has arrived to its house, it has just terminated to have breakfast. The countess has removed the chair from a table and has asked to call the candidate. The prince was extended before it, trying to constrain laughter. The mistress liked its appearance, and it has passed to other tests. show to me as you go - she has told. Albert has made everything as she asked: resembled there - here on a room, faster, more slowly. It even has shown, as is able to trot. After that the prince has returned to a table at which the countess sat, - appear, all was pleasant to it. The mistress already was has started to ask the boy on him as suddenly he has cried: Now look, how I gallop! with these words the prince has seized a corner of a cloth and has rushed off on a room, having brought down ware from expensive porcelain on a floor. He jumped, forcing down furniture, and has finished that has turned the countess in a cloth. A bullet having jumped out of a premise, Albert has disappeared, while servants tried to calm the furious madam. The royal family had to pay the damage caused to the countess as long to conceal such excellent trick the prince Welsh simply not could.

to Pay off for the wit once has dropped out also to lord Birkenhedu, the known British politician, the well-known alcoholic as its Maxim Gorky named, and to Winston Churchill`s the best friend. All knew it as the person extraordinary direct, with poisonous humour. Lord Birkenhed, it Frederik Edvin Smith, has earned to itself, on magazine Time expression, reputation Sphinx with corroding contempt for all and the person so cold that it seems paralysed .

Success in life Smith has reached independently. Its propensity to a policy have noticed at the Oxford university where Smith has headed club of debate. Its oratorical skill in many respects promoted career. In 34 years it became a member of the British parliament from conservative party, and in 47 has received a post of the Lord Chancellor of Great Britain. Newspaper Morning Post named this appointment as a joke which has gone too far. On a new post Smith, however, has proved to be not bad. Some years after it have sent to India where he has headed the British administration.

long time of lord Birkenheda was connected by friendship with one representative of conservatives - sir Robert Hjustonom. That began career as the usual engineer, but could open quickly the business, having been engaged in a sea cargo transportation. Houston definitely had a talent for business, and affairs R. P. Houston and Company have gone uphill. In the politician the ship-owner was accompanied too by good luck: the person it was not such remarkable as Smith, but thus enjoyed stable support of voters to which liked it frequently uncompromising sights. Houston was a part of the extremely right wing of conservatives which named diehard - thick-headed .

By the time of death in 1926 Robert Hjuston has earned a condition which was estimated in millions pounds sterling. Across London hearings went that the most part of this money will get to the close friend of the dead man - to Frederiku Edvinu Smith. For all even the sum - £ was known; 7 million that now would equal at least £ 330 million Said that Houston has reconciled for a long time to addictions of the young companion like its propensity to binge, gamblings and a different grade to parties. However with what it, seemingly, has not reconciled to the death, so it with one joke which Smith as - that has afforded in its address. Elderly Houston tried to hide a grey hair, and lord Birkenhed was not kept from a pun, naming the friend the only genuine dye - hard, hinting that the old man too often paints a beard. It has deeply offended Robert Hjustona since then it was difficult to them to get off a well-aimed nickname. Therefore when its will have opened and there there was no mention of Smith, the British and American newspapers have written: Sir Robert has forced lord Birkenheda to pay £ 7 million for a sneer .

the Bicycle in exchange for £ 500 million
is the most expensive than a joke, of course, manage to people provided. In special cases some careless words can deprive of the person almost everything that it has acquired, even if nobody has suffered from these words. A line from ringlet Abductions - it it is possible to translate English poet Alexander Poupa as only one word reputation ruining - sums up brilliant, but rough career of British businessman Dzheralda Ratnera.

Ratner was born in London in 1949. Parents brought up it in the Jewish tradition: on days off Ratner visited a synagogue, it observed shabbat and communicated only with those who lived as. those years friends who would not be Jews, I to myself did not get - he remembered. Strict education, however, has not made of Dzheralda Ratnera of the diligent guy with good manners. It was the spoilt son of rich parents. From exclusive school him have expelled for poor progress. However secondary education of Ratner all - taki has received, then began to help to a family to do business.

his father Lesli posessed the network of jewelry stores Ratners Group based in 1947. The enterprise was quite successful, but by and large in what did not overtake the main competitors. At the very beginning of 1980 - h the turn of the jeweller company reached £ 26 million, but in 1983 it has shown losses - nearby £ 350 thousand Dzherald Ratner regularly visited in shops though did not show to business of due interest. Only when its friends have started to earn well, Ratner has begun to move. first I did not think at all of success, - he admitted later. - But then when I already have closely come nearer to 30 - letiju, it was presented to me that the financial success will not prevent: it will be possible to go by good cars and to have money in a pocket . Soon it had a possibility of to show. For his father diagnosed a brain tumour - it recognised as good-quality and not so dangerous, but Lesli has started to depart from a management of the company gradually. It was necessary to occupy its place 34 - to summer Dzheraldu.

By that moment of Ratner has already turned to the ambitious and aggressively enough set up businessman, he intended to transform a jeweller network into the profitable enterprise by all means. Dzherald Ratner felt that it is necessary for company to reverse the approach to buyers not to come into the hands of more successful competitors. Those years ornaments were considered as gifts for special cases - the goods of the top price category. Ratner, on the contrary, has aimed to make the network McDonald`s the jeweller market. He tried to achieve the lowest prices, then placed them on bright boards and waited for flow of buyers. Long it was not necessary to wait: new strategy has appeared so successful that soon Ratners Group bought one of the main contenders - company H. Samuel. For some years enterprise Ratnerov under the direction of Dzheralda has spent some more absorption to Great Britain and the USA and has turned to the beginning 1990 - h to the largest jeweller network of the country. Instead of 120 shops as was a decade ago, into it entered already more than 2500. And many thousands losses were replaced by profit in £ 125 million

On peak of this success, in April, 1991, Ratner also has given out a joke which cost to it of all its last merits. That month to it have applied to act during a supper of the British Institute of directors, original elite club of businessmen. All interested, as its company manages to collect record profits while at competitors of business go worse than ever - from - for the begun economic recession of sale then drop at many jeweller networks. At Ratnera was two answers to this question. In - the first, its enterprise was helped by an exit on the American market which unlike British quickly extended. And in - the second, shops Ratners Group never are empty, as ornaments of all grades, " there are on sale; from magnificent hours to those jewels which are not a pity for losing on a party .

The speech of Ratner prepared in advance, discussing it with several speech writers. When it have confirmed, it has shown the text to one of the friends of the company, and that has advised to it to add in performance of any ridiculous expressions which will help audience to relax. Ratnera had on call a pair of cynical jokes, and it without ulterior motive used them during a magnificent supper of Institute of directors in Albert - a hall.

we trade in things like chajnichkov for £ 2 and the knickknacks simulating the dusty open book. Pages there do not turn over, but at them so corners are beautifully bent. I know, these thingummies are absolutely insipid, but last year we have sold them an one million quarter. We on show-windows have glasses for the wine, six pieces on a silver tray, to you, probably, the butler brings drinks in something similar, and so they stand all £ 9,99. People ask me: as you can sell them for such price. And I answer: the same simply garbage . The hall has responded on these words laughter and an applause, and Ratner has continued: Some complain that on our show-windows and ornaments - that will not make out from - for posters and boards. At us laugh, but here that is interesting: our shops on each square metre of the area bring more than profit, than any other shops. All because we give the chance to buyers to buy that is necessary to them. We even sell pair of ear rings which stand £ 1 - is cheaper, than a sandwich with shrimps from Marks and Spencer. But should notice, these earrings, possibly, the sandwich " is not stretched longer, than;. Again laughter in a hall. When Ratner has finished performance, to it gave a standing ovation. Everyone aspired to shake hands hardly probable not with the most successful businessman of the country. Ratner it was threw by pair jokes with children who have come in Albert - a hall on excursion, and zasobiralsja home. On an exit to it the journalist from newspaper Daily Mirror has met. you that, scoff at the clients? - he has asked. yes is not present, - Ratner has answered, - has simply joked . At home it was called by old friend Charles Saatchi, the first class expert in advertising who has told: In tabloid Evening Standard there was a fantastic note about you. There have not bad beaten this your phrase about garbage. You describe as on - to the present of the good guy with fine sense of humour. Tremendous public relations .

However two most popular British newspapers kept other opinion. Daily Mirror next day left with pervopolosnym a material under the name You fools from gold on 22 carats and newspaper The Sun on the front page has placed a huge inscription Ashmen . Both articles razed to the ground Ratnera and its business - philosophies. The conclusion was identical: if do not want to give to relatives garbage, you have nothing to do in shops Ratners Group. Numerous readers have reflected, have taken offence, and is very fast at company Ratnera the big financial difficulties have begun. Having lost buyers of cheap production, the enterprise has received the same problems, as competitors. Sales quickly fell, and next year Ratners Group has lost £ Company spent 120 million hundred thousand pounds sterling for advertising and image correction, but uselessly. Its cost on a securities market has decreased with £ 680 million to £ 237 million to Board of directors Ratners Group was necessary to dismiss 2 thousand employees and to close more than 200 shops. In November, 1992 Dzherald Ratner, constructed jeweller empire of all for some years, has been compelled to leave kompaniju which by that moment cost already £ 49 million I went mad, - he remembers. - about me wrote that I had a mullions-strong condition, the yacht, the private plane, and I laughed at living in misery buyers. In any newspaper I have read that Dzherald Ratner should wake up every day in four mornings in cold sweat, thinking, as he could such do. Never so did not do, yet has not read about it in article, but then, yes, began to wake up in the middle of night .

It has lost not less £ 500 million (about $1 mlrd at that time) that, however, was reflected not at once in its reputation. Any time it quite successfully advised the French jeweller companies in spite of the fact that has lost the own. It proceeded not for long, and soon Ratner has lodged in a country house where veins as the present gentleman, that is suffered from idleness: At any moment my second wife has entered into a drawing room and has told that will throw me if I do not leave the house and I will not be engaged in something. In it there was an irony: the first spouse has left from me from - that I, on the contrary, never appeared " houses;.

Eventually Ratneru was possible to earn a new condition: at first it has opened a successful sports complex in prestigious area of London, and has then returned to jeweller business, having created a site geraldonline. com for sale of ornaments through the Internet. Though, judging by its own words, it accurately divides the life on before performance in Albert - a hall. Dzherald Ratner, apparently, concerns the failure philosophically. He says that restored mental balance, going for a drive on a bicycle. Every day on 30 with superfluous kilometres. He tells that once has fallen and the bicyclist passing by has helped it to repair a chain, and has then called to drink to tea: I did not know the guy, but have gone with it, and we have talked minutes thirty. Old Dzherald from 1980 - h would be too occupied for such . Ratner says that those years, most likely, would send the stranger where far away. And now it has changed: My habit to twist a pedal in the mornings - a unique good result of all this history. I have lost £ 500 million, but has joined a bicycle. Truth sounds lightly? The majority of people, probably, would prefer to exchange in the opposite direction .

the Wooden space shuttle
the Good joke is always good, but if someone from - for it loses money, he will laugh hardly. So, for example, happens with Peter Fantom conducting of American teleshow Candid Camera. This show of draws was thought up by his father Allen Fant half a century ago, and it passed all this time successfully, amusing televiewers shootings by a candid camera. Preparing for one of releases in June, 2001, Peter Fant has put on a suit of the security guard at the airport of the State of Arizona. He should play several passengers - to force them to creep through the x-ray device for luggage examination. Naturally, the scanner have made special - an exact copy usual, but without a source of X-rays. Through the device have passed several people whom, having learnt that remove them, have only laughed in the chamber. But when the turn has reached Phillip Zelnika, fitness - the trainer from California, all has gone not so. Phillip has suspected at once that him deceive, and has asked: It that, a joke? It Candid Camera? On what the Forfeit has answered it: At the airport about such things do not joke also has forced it to obey. Zelnik climbed down from a scanner tape, using foul language and shouting. Later he told that from it whipped blood, but actually it has only cut a foot about one of parts of the device and was wounded about a pencil which lay at it in a pocket.

it was necessary to interrupt Shooting, and when the suffered trainer has learnt that its suspicions are true, he has been enraged. Phillip Zelnik did not want to listen to any conversations on indemnification and at once has promised to bring matters to court. As has made. Lawyer Zelnika has noticed that wounds of its client superficial, but to them the alarm, stress and feeling of an insult " were added;. It was attempt to humiliate it in opened that people could laugh over it, and all for the sake of monetary profit - the lawyer has added.

in court the victim managed to prove the case, and jurymen recognised show Candid Camera and personally Peter Fanta guilty. The penalty total sum has reached $300 thousand to Forfeit it it not seemed ridiculous at all as it should pay half of penalty from own means. He has appealed in superior court, but to achieve reconsideration of the case it has not turned out.

From very cheap joke Candid Camera has turned back too expensive though sometimes television producers intentionally spend where the big means that posmeshit public. Five years ago the one and only draw has managed to the British TV channel Channel 4 in the sum which remains till now record.

in the middle of 2005 the channel announced transfer under name Space Cadets where typed volunteers - simple citizens. They did not need to loaf on jungle, as to participants of show I`m a celebrity - get me out of here or to parade the everyday life, as in Big Brother (this transfer to Russia is known under the name Behind glass ) . Something was necessary to participants Space Cadets more romantic and impressing. To people suggested to go to space on the present American shuttle, but to begin with they should pass through numerous tests which would help to choose cosmonauts - three most prepared applicants. Actually tests, especially intellectual, had a little the general with preparation of cosmonauts. Their main task was to define, what of participants to the greatest degree give in to belief that the most trustful have got to the ending.

as the test to space cadets for example, showed sheets of paper with the points scattered on them - it was necessary to guess, whose portrait there is looked through. Naturally, any portrait did not exist, but after helps and leading questions some participants of show suddenly started to distinguish the image planned by points, say, George`s Fight. In other task to cadets suggested to ponder, how many balls of certain diameter will be located in this or that capacity. As a rule, experimental quickly named concrete quantity, but then it gave the chance to compare the answer to versions of other participants (certainly, fictitious, estimations have been strongly overestimated). And those who did not want to follow the tastes of opinion of the majority, eliminated.

passed initial selection have planted aboard the plane and have told that this flight - to the Russian space centre in the city of Krymsk. The plane has gained height, has made some the big circles over the North Sea and has safely landed in a county of Saffolk in the east of England. There participants have taken away in specially prepared bunker and have started preflight preparation. It was necessary to go to space to three lucky beggars, they as a result had appeared 26 - summer shtukaturshchik, 25 - the summer employee of college and its coeval, the football player. For them on base in Saffolke have already prepared wooden model of a shuttle which acted in film before in films Collision with a chasm the Armageddon and Space cowboys . However for needs of transfer it have improved: have connected to it sound installation, hydraulic mechanisms for creation of effect of rolling and vibration, and also have attached behind windows the big television panel for translation of kinds of the Earth.

flight lasted five days, all this time space cadets regularly contacted English Crimean, reporting that they see behind a window. Together with the actors representing experienced pilots, participants of show were engaged in idiotic experiments like twisting of figures of animals from long inflatable balls. Selection of candidates has appeared is successful: any of finalists and has not guessed that it play (or all of them have pretended that have not guessed). Even when to them have explained that the effect of weightlessness will not be from - for too low orbits and established in a shuttle generators of force of an attraction they have believed.

shows broadcast ten days, and for each of five days in an imagined orbit to finalists have paid on £ 5 thousand the General expenses on telecast manufacture have made the sum of other order - nearby £ 4,5 million managed to be reached High rating - in first two days of display of show. Then it has started to fall promptly as spectators have decided that here scoff over same, as they, simple people. And as a result it was not possible to collect expected volume of advertising. So the joke too is not has gone right also.